Oh, Canada
Erik Wyse
Issue date: 2/26/10 Section: Opinions & Editorials
Canada, that's where the cold air comes from. Canada, who stole our mall culture. Canada, solely responsible for maple-syrup-induced car accidents. Canada, a nation where half its economy is based on clubbing seals. I once thought of moving to Canada, and then I woke up.
Canada is good for only three things: ice, beavers, and Celine Deion. Everything else is a wash. I like to think of Canada as a white-carpeted room. Sure it looks nice but when you come down to it, it's boring and impractical. Canada's got as much backbone as a Texas rattler: none.
Lets take a look at Canada's economy: it's a joke. The money has images of people playing hockey on it. Actually, that's true and not a joke. Alexander Hamilton may not be the best-looking guy - or even the most interesting - but at least you don't see Babe Ruth eating a hot dog on the U.S. dollar bill. Although, come to think of it, this may be a good way to spark interest in baseball and hot dogs,two things which aren't getting their due these days.
Don't even get me started with those French Canadians, the dysfunctional and sometimes violent cousin that lives in a cupboard under the stairs. Every time someone mentions the partition of Quebec, the French Revolution becomes a little less cool. What's that you say? You don't understand how cool the French Revolution is? Let me just say three words: guillotine, Bastille and spies named Jacques. Now you can understand my disappointment in their failure to living up to tradition laid out by the Three Musketeers.
While researching this article I wrote a letter to Alex Trebek, the most powerful man to call Canada his home. In this letter I tried to get Mr. Trebek to explain to me the roots of Canada's jealousy of America comes from. Trebek did not comment, most likely because he had no defense. What does that say, Canada, when your white knight does not rise to the challenge to defend your nation?
Also, what is with Canada's obsession with bowling? In America people go bowling as a last-resort date idea. It's a novelty here: Hey, let's go bowling and then when I take you home that will be the last time I ever see you. Bowling's appeal is questionable at best. When was the last time you saw an uplifting sports movie based on a real story about a bowling team of minorities? There aren't even movies about fake bowling teams involving adopted children or golden retrievers.
Canada is good for only three things: ice, beavers, and Celine Deion. Everything else is a wash. I like to think of Canada as a white-carpeted room. Sure it looks nice but when you come down to it, it's boring and impractical. Canada's got as much backbone as a Texas rattler: none.
Lets take a look at Canada's economy: it's a joke. The money has images of people playing hockey on it. Actually, that's true and not a joke. Alexander Hamilton may not be the best-looking guy - or even the most interesting - but at least you don't see Babe Ruth eating a hot dog on the U.S. dollar bill. Although, come to think of it, this may be a good way to spark interest in baseball and hot dogs,two things which aren't getting their due these days.
Don't even get me started with those French Canadians, the dysfunctional and sometimes violent cousin that lives in a cupboard under the stairs. Every time someone mentions the partition of Quebec, the French Revolution becomes a little less cool. What's that you say? You don't understand how cool the French Revolution is? Let me just say three words: guillotine, Bastille and spies named Jacques. Now you can understand my disappointment in their failure to living up to tradition laid out by the Three Musketeers.
While researching this article I wrote a letter to Alex Trebek, the most powerful man to call Canada his home. In this letter I tried to get Mr. Trebek to explain to me the roots of Canada's jealousy of America comes from. Trebek did not comment, most likely because he had no defense. What does that say, Canada, when your white knight does not rise to the challenge to defend your nation?
Also, what is with Canada's obsession with bowling? In America people go bowling as a last-resort date idea. It's a novelty here: Hey, let's go bowling and then when I take you home that will be the last time I ever see you. Bowling's appeal is questionable at best. When was the last time you saw an uplifting sports movie based on a real story about a bowling team of minorities? There aren't even movies about fake bowling teams involving adopted children or golden retrievers.
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